In July, I wrote a post about living in Belgrade, a beautiful neighborhood and for the first time in four years in a long-term relationship that suited me. Now everything looks different: the city is twenty times smaller, not such a “cool” area. And I'm alone again. I want to record all this and share my feelings.
When I posted that post, for all my external well-being, I was living in unconscious anxiety. It was limbo: a lot of work (which is ok), but without understanding how to go further (which is not ok). Black achievement, where you rape yourself for the sake of formally “high”, but not your results and comfort, I am not close.
I was in Serbia on a bird's license as a tourist. At some point I realized that this format of life no longer suits me: too much uncertainty and too little support.
Each day began with a simple arithmetic: waking up, you had to first “work” 30-40 euros to close obligations to the girl and the landlord. And then you could live. For me, it was too heavy a background.
In the end, I decided to reduce my liabilities and really take root in Serbia – I bought an apartment in Pančevo.
Unfortunately, our family system with the girl did not stand the test of moving and reducing the level of comfort. She's breathing more freely now. When I wake up, I know that I have not minus thirty euros, but plus three. It gives you basic calm. I can finally do what I want. It is also comforting to realize that I am no longer so easy to “throw out”.
I found peace in Panchevo. Synchronized with the local polako – Serbian “slowly”. Slowly doing repairs with the expectation in a few years to get permanent residence and improve living conditions. I learn the language, invest a little, do not look for relationships as zealously as before, communicate more with the outside world – I continue to form an internal and external support.
I am grateful to the girl and the Belgrade period for the opportunity to better understand what I really want from life and relationships. Outwardly, my life now looks simpler, but inside it is more lively and stable. There is an understanding of where and how to move forward. And the resource for that.